Perimenopause hit me like a brick

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Do you know much about Perimenopause? It’s very possible you don’t, I certainly didn’t, even when it had set in on me with all its claws bared and had me fully in its grip. I hadn’t even heard of the term. I was in my late thirties and as far as I was concerned, the dreaded menopause was something that happened in your fifties, unless you’re very unlucky.

Perimenopause in simple terms

So, what is perimenopause? From around the time you get your first period, the two main hormones that control your monthly reproductive cycle, go through a gloriously repeating wave similar to a sinewave. When Perimenopause begins, these hormones no longer synchronise harmoniously. They begin to fluctuate, to peak and spike, and over time they begin to drop before levelling out at a new low, post menopause. These fluctuations cause mental and physical symptoms that vary from person to person in range and severity. Here’s a graph showing these changes.

Menopause is considered to have taken place, when you have been for a year without having had a period. Although people have reported having a period again and even becoming somewhat regular more than a year after their last one.

There’s a shocking lack of research on the topics of perimenopause and menopause, especially considering the fact that half of us experience it, and how debilitating it can be.

Recently, there is more narrative around perimenopause in the media. People like Mariella Frostrup and Davina McCall in the UK are doing wonders to spread the word. And it’s so important that we talk about this. It is after all, something that half of us will go through at some point in our lives.

It’s Not Just You

And it doesn’t only affect the person it’s happening to. It’s vitally important that the partner and immediate family of the person understand what’s going on as well, because the symptoms produced by these crazily fluctuating hormones can be devastating to the person going through it and often get reflected out onto those closest to them. 

You need your people when you’re falling apart inside, and they need to have your back.

It’s a different journey for everyone, I’d like to share mine with you. There have been bad times, but it’s actually thanks to the perimenopause that I’m blogging in the first place.

My First Symptom

The first sign I had was getting struck by intense anger with little provocation. At times I was just so irate, and I struggled to control it. Due to my ASD, though I had no idea that I was autistic back then, I’m a very logical person and I’m prone to continuous self-assessment. I’m also a highly emotional being and I do get completely overwhelmed sometimes. I hadn’t felt this overwhelmed with anger since I was a teenager, and I just couldn’t make sense of it.

My partner bore the brunt of this anger; it’s the ones you love and trust with whom you can be your most open and true, unfiltered self. He was treated to snappy, snarky remarks, occasional shouts almost always followed by silence, because I had no idea how to come back to him after. 

He was confused and hurt; I was terrified he’d think my anger was a symptom of our relationship failing. EDIT: He’s just read the first draft of this blog. He said he was confused and hurt, and desperate to understand, but that he never doubted our relationship.

Sometimes, I’d get so angry, I’d isolate myself and throw pairs of socks at the wall as hard as I could, sometimes I just wanted to scream, which of course, I didn’t.

Burn-out and Fear

It was not long after this began, that we moved house the last time. I had a burn-out and it was particularly bad. The bouts of depression I had at times then terrified my man.

Though the decision to move made complete sense for us, it meant I lost my safe place, the world that I’d built around myself since I first came to Germany and began learning the language. I had to start over, make new friends, find a job, and when you feel that low and throw autism into the mix, these things seem like impossible mountains.

And then the memory issues started, and I suddenly understood the term “brain-fog”. All my life, I’ve questioned my sanity, due to the undiagnosed ASD, but now I was beginning to fear I had early onset dementia. My mind, which, when I’m in the zone, functions with dazzling crystal clarity, was not connecting with itself properly anymore. I lost the ability to multitask, to block out unnecessary sound, concentration became extremely difficult, headache attacks started. Insomnia set in.

The Realisation

When I turned 40, I was in the throes of perimenopause, my cycles had shortened. I’d gone from a happy predictable 28-day cycle to a 23-day cycle, then a 19-day cycle. And then suddenly all hell broke loose in my uterus and I had three periods in the space of three and a half weeks. Then my cycle just went rogue.

By now, I’d made the connection between my anger levels and my now irregular monthly cycle, and, believe it or not, it was only then that I found out about perimenopause. I threw myself at this term, bought books, joined forums, talked to other women online and discovered that I was not alone, I was not losing my mind or beginning early onset dementia. I was perimenopausal. And that discovery was such a huge relief.

Having a label for it greatly calmed me. When I got insanely, disproportionately angry, I now knew why. I could be angry and glory in it, knowing it would pass. I was better able to control myself towards my partner, and when I couldn’t, he understood why and he was seldom hurt by it. When I quietly cried at my new job, locked in a cubicle in the ladies, I could take comfort in knowing it would pass, that there was a reason why I was feeling so down.

Unhelpful Doctors

I’m one of those people who don’t like to go to the doctor, unless I have to. And I felt I had to on this one. I went to my gynaecologist to talk about possible options. And this was a killer for me.

She was dismissive, told me it was not menopause, (which of course I knew) said there was no such thing as perimenopause, and recommended herbal tea and meditation. That of course made me angry. I remember leaving her office in a cloud of irate irritation, unable to speak.

I still find it incredible that a gynaecologist, a woman at that, who was definitely old enough to know about menopause, can so steadfastly believe that the perimenopause is just a fad term. Maybe she was one of those extremely lucky ones who drifted through with very few bad side-effects.

Should you reach that stage where you feel you need help, and you come across such an unhelpful doctor, get a second opinion, please! Being the person I am, and feeling as low as I did in my self-esteem at that time, and being belittled by her (seriously, she was not kind in how she talked to me), I did not ask for help again, until now.

But if I had received help then, I probably wouldn’t be blogging in the first place. Because there was this other symptom that struck me, and it struck me hard.

A Life Changing Positive Symptom

At certain points during my irregular cycles, when I was suffused with particular hormones, I would become extremely randy, horn levels off the chart in fact. I swear, I was like that stereotype of the teenager who gets hard ALL the time. Remember driving horn?

This was a later development and another hard thing to understand. I threw myself into the forums again and found out that this is a real thing, that some other women were feeling it too.

This particular symptom could actually be directly related to my autism. Women with autism tend to have a higher level of testosterone than those without and from what I’ve read, women with elevated testosterone are more likely to have this particular symptom during perimenopause. There is even research suggesting that women be given testosterone during perimenopause to help with a crashing libido.

As you know, my man and I have a very open and honest sex-life. We had long talked about opening our relationship up to include one other person and this became a complete focus for us both. When I was having my “moments”, although days is really a fairer term for it, we would text each other promises for later, fantasise about a third person together. And of course you know what happened next.

Becoming Sundial

The other amazing thing that came out of my perimenopausal journey, is this blog. I’d always wanted to be a writer, but I never had any direction. Then someone used some national newspapers to ask for people who identify as female to submit fantasies to her, so she could compile a book of modern day “women’s” fantasies. In one of my extreme horn “moments”, I jumped on this, wrote down a dirty fantasy that plays in the back of my mind during sex sometimes and I sent it off to her.

And that gave me the writing bug, I wrote a couple more and shared them with my man and our friend. Then another friend shared Girl on the Net’s website with me and it felt like my eyes had suddenly been opened. Here was erotic literature, written extremely well, and she had a guest blog! I sent her the gym punishment fantasy story and she was remarkably encouraging. And now here we are!

It’s now been almost four months since I last had a period, and it feels to me as though I am in a mostly mentally stable place for the first time in years. Very luckily, my libido has not suffered, though I do not get the same days-long extreme horn, that I had before. I’ve always been somebody who needs sex in her life, I’ve always been a randy individual, and I seem to be returning to pre-perimenopausal levels of horn, which suits me just fine.

Last Words (for now)

So in conclusion, because like I said before, that’s my thing; my experience of perimenopause to date has very definitely had its downsides, but it also has had its upsides and I’m glad it all worked out as it did, or you would not be reading this essay of a blog on the subject.

One last thing from me before I sign this blog off: I have made a close friend here where I live now. She’s also perimenopausal and we talk, joke and laugh about our experiences together. Luckily for her, her doctor took her seriously and she is receiving HRT.

I have been brave and made an appointment to see the same doctor, I’ll let you know how it goes in some future update.