Perimenopause: My HRT Journey

I wrote about my perimenopausal journey before, and back then I said I would be trying to get myself HRT, and promised a future update.

That was a good while ago now, and I did in the end get HRT. I’m pleased to tell you that on the whole, it has helped me enormously, though it’s been rocky and there have been some pretty bad side-effects.

Here’s a little background.

Perimenopause

Perimenopause is not often reported on, there’s very little said about it, unless you go searching for information. And who does? Menopause tends to begin around or after the age of fifty, right?

I didn’t know that perimenopause was a thing, never mind the fact it can begin years before the actual menopause takes place.

It wasn’t until a couple of years after it began, and the insidious symptoms got a deep hold of me, that I found out what it was. It was such a relief to know. To know I wasn’t losing my sanity (brain fog), that the anger, self-insecurity and the bouts of depression were happening for a reason. I deal in absolutes. I need absolute knowledge and answers to make sense of anything. So, even though there was no immediate help or cure, at least I had a label and could categorise myself again.

The brain fog was the worst symptom for me, the others were bad, yeah, but that feeling that I was losing my marbles was so frightening. I thought I had early onset dementia and was terrified to go to the doctor about it in case it turned out to be true.

Personal Plus-sides of Perimenopause

Perimenopause wasn’t all bad by the way, for me personally. There were two super-positive things that came from my perimenopausal journey. One of the big positives was a massively increased libido. Like I just wanted to have sex ALL DAY LONG!

I began to feel days long horniness, which led to me and my man having some spectacular sex-sessions, during which we shared our fantasies, which got us fantasizing about having another dick fuck me, while I got him off in my mouth, which inspired us to open up our relationship.

The other is this blog. Someone put out a request in a national paper for sex-fantasies and I wrote one and sent it off. Nothing came of that, but I got the bug. When a good friend told me about GirlontheNet, I wrote her a pitch, she accepted it and I enjoyed it all so much, I started this blog.

When I wrote my Perimenopausal blog, I hadn’t had a period for five months. Just after I wrote it of course, I had a period, and after that, my irregular cycle continued on, gifting me periods at random intervals.

Yay me. Go go body.

The Case for HRT

Last year, I worked up the courage, after a shitty experience with my previous gynaecologist, to go to another and lay out my case for HRT. I researched how best to make it, and decided to write her a letter, because you know: I’m autistic, doctors intimidate me (not in a good way), my spoken German is patchy, when I get over-emotional I can’t think straight, I find it stupidly hard to ask for anything for myself, and of course I had severe brain fog.

I went into her office, explained that I was autistic and that it was easiest for me to express myself in writing. And I gave her the letter. She read it through and agreed immediately to let me try out HRT. I was so relieved, I cried at her, poor woman.

Since I still have a womb and bleed, I take two different hormones at different times during a four week period. For the first fourteen days, I apply an estrogen gel to my arms. The second fourteen days, in addition, I take progesterone in the form of a capsule. This mimics the natural progression your body goes through during a typical cycle. At first I didn’t notice much difference, but after my first progesterone withdrawal bleed, I suddenly found the brain fog had lifted. And I can’t begin to tell you how good that felt.

But the adjustment period was at times hard, despite how great the benefits were; not only did the brain fog clear, but I was getting MUCH better sleep, less fatigue, fewer headaches, no more hot flashes and night sweats. Insecurity and intense anger still assailed me from time to time though.

Problems with Progesterone

I began to keep a diary on it and it became clear that it was related to the progesterone part of the treatment. When I called the clinic, they told me that this was within the realms of normal and I should give it a few more months to let my body adjust. If it didn’t get better, I could come back and they would adjust the dose.

Then came the stresses of Christmas, travel, and sickness. And while I was knocked out with ‘flu and an autistic shutdown, my old lurking glandular fever, which likes to knock me down the best when my immune system is shot to shit, decided my ass needed a proper beating (not in a good way).

I think because of this, the next progesterone cycle made for two of the lowest weeks I’ve had in years. They were so horrendously dark. I felt like dying. Like it would be a relief, but not only that. The misery was immediate, deep and powerful. I couldn’t see any way out of it, and I didn’t want it anymore. I wasn’t sad about the thought of dying, just fed up with living.

Anyway, I didn’t die, I really don’t believe I could do something so senseless with purpose.

I went back to the doctor and told her. She adjusted my dose.

Hope for the Future

On that same day, I had just finished my Progesterone phase and, faster than usual, I got my period. Two days later, the darkness lifted, and I felt good again. Better than good, amazingly, incredibly well, content and so happy, so full of light and joy. I’ve always gotten these gorgeous rebalances in emotion on the second day of my period, but this time the relief was such a contrast that it made it all the more pronounced.

So now I am hoping that the onward journey will be better, with this new adjusted dose. I’m two days into it now, and so far I’m feeling on a level.  I was terrified to begin progesterone again after the last cycle, and I’m afraid to engage in my usual way in case I crash again.

During those two awful weeks, at some point and with a LOT of swearing, I shared on Mastodon how I was feeling. I had many beautiful, and supportive responses, and also recognition from others going through the same thing.

One person gave me a response that reminded me exactly of how it was for me when I first had perimenopausal symptoms and didn’t know what it was. She didn’t seem to know much either, and this is why it’s so important that we talk about it and share our experiences.

Sharing how dreadful I felt on Mastodon, and those responses I received, especially that last, gave me the impetus to write this blog. It’s been a long time coming.

Still not enough people understand what happens when a person experiences perimenopause, and sometimes like in my case, the person affected doesn’t even know why they’re suffering such a lot of mental anguish, and behaving and reacting the way they do.

The fear and confusion I felt before I knew what was happening to me was astronomical. Shared experience, solidarity, understanding and recognition are so important. Just knowing that you are okay, that what you’re going through is normal and you’re not losing your mind.

And it’s good to know that there are treatments available, and that they are getting easier to get.